The word we focused on at the Wonder retreat this year was “qavah”. It’s a Hebrew word that means to wait, look for, hope, expect, to linger, to collect, bind together a “line” or “cord,” a collection of fibers that are twisted together to make a strong and firm cord. This same word is also used for the abstract idea of “hope,” a strong and firm mind.
And so we gathered at the top of a mountain and we lingered. We found rest in the beauty of the nature around us, in laughter and friendship, in the silence of a still morning at the top of a mountain, in the majesty of a clear night sky and all the stars, in a rainstorm that brought fresh wind and bright lightening, in a Texas sunrise painted by God Himself, in worship and reflection, and in the sharing of our stories with our sisters. We also found it in shared meals, coffee, queso, and cake.
My revelation this weekend was that it is okay to be okay. I realized that in the past few months I’ve been looking for something to be wrong. I’ve always lived in chaos. I’ve spent more time looking for a problem than looking for Jesus; I thought that certainly there must be a problem somewhere. So I kept deciding the problem was me because I couldn’t find one in my life.
“What is wrong with me, God?” I journaled this weekend.
“Nothing”, He replied.
And so, at Wonder Weekend, I left behind my false belief that there must be something wrong with me.
It’s really hard for me rest in being okay, to know that there doesn’t always have to be chaos or problems. Speaking with wise sisters this weekend, I came to understand that my past and survivor’s guilt leave me feeling uneasy with being okay, especially knowing so many others are hurting. Right now I’m doing really well, and I have to learn to press into that and be grateful for all He brought me through and all He’s doing now.
In 2016 there was so much chaos in my life. I was dying inside and out. I went to a Christian woman’s retreat that year too. Absolutely everything in my life changed after the November 2016 Splendid retreat. It wasn’t easy or fun or expected, but it was needed for my survival and for my relationship with Christ. I had to let go, surrender, wait, and be willing to be stretched. Stretching hurts, but that’s how you grow. My journey these past 2.5 years has been scary, ugly, beautiful, painful, exciting, sad, joyful, freeing, healing, restoring, riddled with anxiety, and filled with love. Every bit was worth it.
I am okay. I am happy. I am healthy. I am no longer just surviving, I am thriving. I am excited to see what He has planned for me next. I am walking into His best for me.
Me watching the sunrise at Mo-Ranch in Hunt, Texas. Photo by my friend, Pauline.